i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I still have a little drunk in my system
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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