her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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