My liver just broke up with me...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
