My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
