So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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