drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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