Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
