i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
