did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
me + whiskey = a bad person
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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