we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
