Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
just come out here and I will go home with you...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
