Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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