the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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