oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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