I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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