I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
