i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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