I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
