I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
