....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize