dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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