why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize