great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
