you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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