after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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