i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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