She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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