I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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