Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I deserve this hangover.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
