seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
