I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
