How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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