your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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