Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
