Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
