I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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