I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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