This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Success! We fucked roommates!
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