I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
