There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I checked into jail on foursquare
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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