We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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