i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize