I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
