The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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