the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
