"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
