I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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