you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
