Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
