He uses pillows to masturbate.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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