i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
