you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
don't judge my taste in strippers
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The Olympian is in my bed
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
