just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
