I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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