There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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