Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
